I mean, when you've loved and lost the way Frank has, then you, uh, you know what life's about.

In a move that has shocked, shocked and stunned the close-knit world of East Angliacana it has been revealed that benevolent dictator, de facto Doge of the organisation and otherwise styled Glorious Leader James Partridge will not be appearing with popular beat combo Songs from The Blue House at this weekend’s Helstock Festival at The Sun Inn, Dedham as a result of not handing in a presentation, as requested by the coaching staff, detailing his contribution to the group’s performance.

"We pride ourselves on attitude," said manager Ron Decline, who took over after their appearance at Fiddly Richard’s garden party in the summer. "We have given the musicians a huge amount of latitude to get culture and attitude right. We believe those behaviours are not consistent with what we want to do with this group, how we want to take this band to be the best in the Posh North Essex / Suffolk borders area.

"I believe that unfortunately he has not met my requirements so he is not available for selection for this performance.'

"I asked the band at the end of the gig [followed by an enjoyable barbecue and buffet supper] to give me an individual presentation, I wanted three points from each of them technically, mentally and team, as to how we were going to get back over the next couple of shows.

"This has been the toughest decision I have ever had to make” added co-manager Bobbi Flekman. “It's a tough, tough decision, but the ramifications for that within the group's structure and the message that it sends to all involved in Songs from The Blue House is that we are serious about where we want to take this group", adding “Money talks, and bullshit walks”.

Upon hearing the announcement guitar player and occasional vocalist Shane Kirk commented “Can you play a bass line like James used to on "Ophelia"? Can you double that? You might recall the line's in fifths”, to which Banjo player Tony Winn replied “I've got two hands here”.

Michael Vaughan, the former England captain who has turned into a regular Folk/Rock/Country/Blues/Americana baiter on Twitter, summed up the general incredulity when he tweeted: "What is going on with Songs from The Blue House? Didn't realise you had to do an essay to get selection these days!" The former Australia batsman Mark Waugh said he had ''never heard anything so stupid in all my life''.